Learn the reasons why a 73 year old senior would plan ahead. After living in a 55-plus retirement community for 15 years and watching neighbors struggle as they age, she and her husband wanted to live in a supportive environment that offers future health care.
Have you felt like a number instead of a person at your HMO or heath provider? What happened? Frustration? What about vulnerable seniors who may or may not have an advocate at their doctor and hospital appointments? If sane adults can’t advocate for themselves, how can a senior with dementia?
A few weeks ago, I went to my HMO (Kaiser) for a simple endoscopy procedure. It was a 5-minute procedure that required me to be under anesthesia in a twilight state. Anesthesia has not always been my friend. So I came armed with all my previous anesthesia experiences (the good and the bad). The doctor was informed of my concern through the nurse. The doctor acknowledged my concern (relief on my part) and said she would give me the same twilight anesthesia as a recent colonoscopy. I agreed to this, because it had been a good anesthesia experience for me.
Well, I awoke after the procedure to a nightmare of nausea and another bad anesthesia experience. A week later, my husband compared the anesthesia of the colonoscopy with the anesthesia of the endoscopy. Low and behold, they had given me 25 extra milligrams of Demerol for my endoscopy. That was not what I agreed to with my doctor. Why would they give me more than necessary? Was it because I was on a conveyor belt of medical procedures for that day? When I shared this experience with others, a couple of friends shared more stories.
A coworker was given anesthesia during a colonoscopy and felt them begin the procedure. The medical team jumped when she said that she was still awake. Then they gave her so much anesthesia that it took her three weeks to recover.
Another friend was given 50 mg of a steroid, when it should have been a 10 mg dose. The doctor continued to overdose my friend for three months. My friend is still feeling the affects of being overmedicated. It was determined my friend never needed the steroid in the first place but they have to slowly wean him off the steroid. It takes months to do this.
My own mother-in-law was given psychotropic medications in the emergency room. Amy had to lie on a gurney for three days because there was no room for her in the psych ward. She has still not recovered from what they did to her. Psychotropic medications do not mix well with dementia.
My mom with dementia went to the hospital for abdominal pain. They wanted to do an exploratory surgery. We (my family) said no to the surgery because our mom has dementia. The doctor understood, because my mom could lose more of her memory going under anesthesia. He did not convey our wishes (no exploratory surgery) to his team. When I went to visit my mom at lunchtime, she was not in her room. It turned out they were prepping her for surgery. My husband and I raced to that floor of the hospital to stop them. We got there in the nick of time. The doctor profusely apologized. Really?? The POA says no surgery and the HMO is going to do it anyway? Ridiculous! It turned out she had a urinary track infection and lived another five years.
How do we protect ourselves? How can caregivers protect and advocate for seniors?
Diane Masson has worked in senior housing for 18 years and is the regional marketing director for two debt-free Continuing Care Retirement Communities in Southern CA (Freedom Village in Lake Forest and The Village in Hemet). Her first book “Senior Housing Marketing – How to Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full,” is being utilized by senior housing professionals across the country. Her new book is an all-encompassing answer guide for seniors called, “Your Senior Housing Options,” designed to help seniors navigate choices quickly. Learn more tips at: Tips2Seniors.com
This seniors last visit has husband and wife.
This can be a controversial and personal question. Many people say that you should not lie. My husband was one of those people who believed it was wrong to lie to anyone, even my mom with dementia.
After my sister died my mother, with severe short-term memory loss (dementia), inquired about her daughter Shannon. My honest husband told her that she had died. Her reaction would be like any mother learning this terrible news. A week later, my mom asked my husband about my sister, Shannon, again. Before I could respond, I had to witness my mother’s intense pain of learning that her daughter died for the second time.
Every time she asked the question about my sister and got the answer that she died, it was like the first time that she ever heard about it. She couldn’t grasp her daughter’s death in her long-term memory. What a blessing? Right? Wrong!! It is so hard to lose a sister and not share that loss with your own mom. She just was not mentally capable.
It was time to train my husband how to handle the sister question, so he could be prepared. Next time my mom asked where Shannon was today, he would say that we had not seen her in some time, but we think she is doing great (in heaven of course). My mom was satisfied with that and let it go.
What about a spouse passing? This one is tough if the senior husband and wife lived together or regularly visited his or her spouse with dementia. The loving spouse may be in the dementia person’s long-term memory.
This happened to my mother-in-law, Amy. She would ask about her husband every time we visited her. She would inquiry, “Where’s Bill?” or “Did Bill come with you?” He had not died, but was hospitalized after a heart attack. It was so hard on her that her husband of 65 years was suddenly gone.
These senior spouses (my in-laws) never lived together again. Within a few months my father-in-law was put on hospice. Amy lived in a licensed assisted living community. Sadly they were two hours apart. She always asked about him.
It was heart breaking to witness their last visit as husband and wife. They just held hands and looked at each other. A month later my father-in-law had passed away.
I taught the family not to share his death. Amy could not handle it. It would have been too confusing for her because of her dementia. At the time the psychotropic medication combined with the dementia allowed very little clarity in her brain.
What are your thoughts on this conversation? Would you tell a dementia person over and over that someone died? Would you tell them once?
Diane Masson has worked in senior housing for 18 years and is the regional marketing director for two debt-free Continuing Care Retirement Communities in Southern CA (Freedom Village in Lake Forest and The Village in Hemet). Her first book “Senior Housing Marketing – How to Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full,” is being utilized by senior housing professionals across the country. Her new book is an all-encompassing answer guide for seniors called, “Your Senior Housing Options,” designed to help seniors navigate choices quickly. Learn more tips at: Tips2Seniors.com
Great book to review for senior living teams!
Do you study how to improve your talent in senior living?
Or is it easier to say, “I am too busy!” And you work through lunch again?
Burnt out employees in senior living can become cranky and irritable. It can affect the quality of service to senior residents. The grouchiness can wash into home life too.
Do yourself a favor and invest in yourself and your team.
Start a new book review with your senior living sales or operations team. Read one chapter a week or two chapters a month. Select a book and have each person apply the principles in each chapter to his or her senior living position.
One of my teams is reading, “Senior Housing Marketing – How to Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full.” Its focus is written for retirement communities, but the principles can easily be converted to assisted living, skilled nursing or memory care communities. Feedback from teams on a nationwide basis has insisted this book has helped their occupancy grow.
My sales teams are currently reading, “How I Raised Myself From Failure to Success in Selling,” and, “The Greatest Salesman in the World.” “The Greatest Salesman in the World,” book has you read a scroll three times a day for one month before you move onto the subsequent scroll with the next principle. This is the third time in my life reading this book daily for 10 months. Each time it changed my life in a positive significant way.
Start growing yourself and your team! Watch your attitude soar! The occupancy will follow in an upward direction. It is guaranteed!
Diane Masson has worked in senior housing for 18 years and is the regional marketing director for two debt-free Continuing Care Retirement Communities in Southern CA (Freedom Village in Lake Forest and The Village in Hemet). Her first book “Senior Housing Marketing – How to Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full,” is being utilized by senior housing professionals across the country. Both her first book and second book, “Your Senior Housing Options,” have 5-star ratings on Amazon.com.
Amy cleaned her plate!
Can you ever trust a retirement or assisted living community to take care of your mom better than yourself or a family member? Long distance relationships are never easy. Add dementia and hearing loss to the story and long distance communication with a senior parent is impossible.
The only way you really know if your mom or dad is okay is to have eyes on them for yourself. My husband just went 1000 miles by plane, two hours by car and a 20-minute ferry ride to visit his mom, Amy. One year ago, she was hospitalized after her husband had a heart attack. After the trauma of her husband (who was her caregiver for five years) being hospitalized, she eloped and the police had to bring her home. Amy is now in her third licensed assisted living community.
How do you evaluate the care of your senior parent? What should you be looking for or asking about on a one-day long-distant visit?
First, how does mom look? Is her hair washed? Are her clothes clean? Do the other residents look well cared for? The answer to all of these for my mother-in-law was good and yes!
Can she feed herself and how much can she consume? Always stay for at least one meal. My mother-in-law ate three plates of food over four hours by herself and asked for dessert. A year ago, she never wanted to eat, so this was a huge improvement.
Does she know your name? Can she hear? How does she communicate with the caregivers? My mother-in-law introduced my husband (her son) by his full name to a caregiver and said, “This is my number one son.” It was difficult for my husband to communicate with his mom in the dining room, it had too many distractions and was too loud. One-on-one, she could communicate and hear better. Plus, the caregivers actually bent down to talk to her – very nice!
What is mobility like? Is it better or worse? Invite them for a walk to determine the current status quo. The memory care layout can be shaped like a square inside. So they can walk all the way around the square without going outside. Amy and my husband walked it 25 times. She always used her walker and this was a huge improvement.
Observe the activities or it’s even better to become engaged with your dementia parent. Unfortunately not one activity happened at the memory care community on Saturday. One activity was scheduled and it never took place.
Watch the caregivers’ treatment and management of the other residents. This better be good or you need to move your parent ASAP. Amy’s caregivers were super. They treated all the residents well and managed an entire room full of dementia residents simultaneously.
Here was the report card for Amy and the memory care community.
Some of you may want a care conference to meet the key staff like the administrator and the nurse. You can learn exactly what types of care they are providing and details about medication management. We had one of those a few weeks ago, so my husband wanted to spend all his limited time with his mom.
You have to see mom or dad for yourself. Please have one local relative with eyes on your senior. We are so lucky that my sister-in-law does a super job with this. Her regular visits have improved Amy’s mind, attitude and appetite.
Good luck with your long distant visit and hopefully these tips will help you.
If you have a long distant parent, please share your experience in the comment section.
Diane Masson is a senior living expert who has authored two 5-star rated books. Her new book is an all-encompassing answer guide for seniors called, “Your Senior Housing Options,” designed to help seniors navigate choices quickly. The second book was written for senior living professionals called, “Senior Housing Marketing – How To Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full.” Learn more tips at: Tips2Seniors.com