by Diane Masson | Feb 8, 2015
Self-destructive, stubborn, selfish or stupid?
Don’t we all know a friend or parent who fits the description of self-destructive, stubborn, selfish or stupid? What do you do? Love them or fight them? How can you help someone who refuses to believe there is a problem? You can’t make a parent be compliant with his or her doctor and you can’t force a senior to move into a higher level of care.
As seniors age, medical problems tend to increase. All sorts of progressive diseases can ravage a senior’s body and create havoc mentally and physically.
Uncooperative Parent?
My friend Grace’s dad has been defiant about his dialysis treatments for seven years. Dialysis is a medical procedure for people whose kidneys are failing. The treatment helps clean your blood and remove toxins from the body. If you refuse treatment you die a painful death.
Richard is supposed to have dialysis three times per week. His pattern of behavior is to refuse treatment till he is in crisis mode and has to be hospitalized. Then he feels good, skips a treatment, toxins build in his body, and he goes back into crisis mode again.
When Richard does not show up for his dialysis, they call his adult daughter who lives 45 minutes away. She used to drop everything including walking away from work to plead with her dad to accept treatment. Sometimes her waterworks of tears would be effective and other times he still refused treatment. Crisis calls every week for seven years is a long time. Anyone of us would be burned out. The police have called my friend and threatened her with elder abuse if she does not get her dad to comply with treatment. Seriously? This man has a right to refuse treatment, even with dementia. How can his daughter be held responsible for his lack of treatment?
- The dad has refused to sign a Power of Attorney (POA).
- The dad has refused to go in the ambulance when it has arrived on numerous occasions to take him to dialysis treatment.
- The dad refused to move to assisted living on the doctor’s recommendation.
- The dad refused to move to skilled nursing care on the doctor’s recommendation.
- The doctor called adult protective services and they have done nothing.
- The daughter asked adult protective services to make her the conservator of her dad and they said no.
This scenario has been going on for seven long years! My heart goes out to my friend. Do you think her dad is self-destructive, stubborn, selfish or stupid? Do you have any thoughts or advice?
Diane Masson’s new guide book for seniors, “Your Senior Housing Options,” will be will be coming soon to Amazon.com. If you sign up for my weekly newsletter on the right side of this blog, you will be notified when my new book becomes available. Check out my new website: Tips2Seniors.com or please follow me on Facebook.
“Your Senior Housing Options,” is dedicated to my mother, whose stories are peppered throughout. Being her advocate for over ten years has taught me to be a better person. My mom has dementia, but I am truly blessed that she still calls me by name. Her smile and joy inspires me to see the positive side of life. It makes me want to reach out and help seniors and their families make better choices today so they can have more secure long-term care plans tomorrow.
by Diane Masson | Jan 25, 2015
Which scenario describes your senior living community? I called three memory care communities in Seattle and got very different responses.
Community A – answered the phone in two rings. I shared my need to find immediate placement for my mother-in-law with Alzheimer’s. Their memory care was 100% full with a waiting list. Sandy was extremely helpful and suggested another community. Special shout out and thanks to Sandy! It is no surprise that you are full.
Community B – answered the phone within two rings, but mumbled something to me. I asked them to repeat it, because I did not understand one word. Then I shared my situation. The person said they would put me through to someone who would help me. Suddenly I was in a voicemail box. What? I left a full crisis message with my name and number. They have not called me back and it has been five days.
Community C – answered the phone within three rings. They heard my crisis story and said the person I needed to speak to was not available but they would text them regarding this emergency. The lady on the phone promised me that they would call me back that day. The admissions person called me back within an hour and we started working on a plan of action for my mother-in-law.
This is a real situation for my family to place my mother-in-law with Alzheimer’s immediately.
Congratulations to all three communities in Seattle, WA who all answered their phones within a couple of rings. Community B, put me through to a voicemail when I was in crisis mode. Are you kidding me? That is heartless. Take my name and number and have a real person call me back as soon as possible. The majority of people hang up when pushed into voicemail. Don’t use it.
Diane Twohy Masson is the author of “Senior Housing Marketing – How to Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full,” available at Amazon.com with a 5-star rating. The book is required reading at George Mason University as a part of its marketing curriculum. Within this book, the author developed a sales & marketing method with 12 keys to help senior living providers increase their occupancy. Masson developed this expertise as a marketing consultant, sought-after blogger for senior housing and a regional marketing director of continuing care retirement communities in several markets. She has also been a corporate director of sales and a mystery shopper for independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled care nursing communities in multiple states. Currently, Masson is setting move-in records as the regional marketing director of two debt-free Continuing Care Retirement Communities in Southern California – Freedom Village in Lake Forest and The Village in Hemet, California. Interestingly, this career started when she was looking for a place for her own mom and helped her loved one transition through three levels of care.
© Marketing 2 Seniors| Diane Twohy Masson 2014 All Rights Reserved. No part of this blog post may be reproduced, copied, modified or adapted, without the prior written consent of the author, unless otherwise indicated for stand-alone materials. You may share this website and or it’s content by any of the following means: 1. Using any of the share icons at the bottom of each page. 2. Providing a back-link or the URL of the content you wish to disseminate. 3. You may quote extracts from the website with attribution to Diane Masson CASP and link https://www.marketing2seniors.net For any other mode of sharing, please contact the author Diane Masson.
by Diane Masson | Dec 28, 2014
What a sad circumstance for seniors to be alone during the holidays. Is the isolation voluntary or involuntary? My poor mom has ecoli and was put into isolation at her skilled nursing community. Everyone has to wear a gown, gloves and a mask to enter her room. She will NOT get to dine with her fellow residents for four more days. Fortunately, she is more than halfway through her antibiotic and feels good now. She was in great spirits today and even invited me to stay for lunch!
Some seniors become isolated as they age in their home like my in-laws. They refuse to move to a retirement community. Both have dementia and neither of them drives. They are 100 percent dependent on one local son to bring them groceries, take them to the doctor and socialize with them. Is this enough human interaction? I don’t think so.
Other seniors determined to stay at home, use home care and become dependent on a single caregiver. Is this a healthy life? The rest of us interact with 10 or 20 people a day. What happens when someone only interacts with one person, day after day, month after month? Many years ago, my mom was in this situation and it was when the memory issues began.
Every senior faces a choice to plan ahead by moving to a senior living community or wait until a health care crisis and live with the consequences. I hope and pray that more seniors chose multiple human interactions by moving to a senior living community. My mom started to thrive again after she moved to assisted living. My in-laws could thrive again too, but they refuse.
My mom is in a good place and will see quite a few different staff during her isolation. My in-laws are 1000 miles away and will be in a lonely house for the holidays. The house can’t talk to them, smile at them or buy them groceries.
Diane Masson’s new guide book for seniors, “Your Senior Housing Options,” will be will be coming soon to Amazon.com. If you sign up for my weekly newsletter on the right side of this blog, you will be notified when my new book becomes available. Check out my new website: Tips2Seniors.com or please follow me on Facebook.
“Your Senior Housing Options,” is dedicated to my mother, whose stories are peppered throughout. Being her advocate for over ten years has taught me to be a better person. My mom has dementia, but I am truly blessed that she still calls me by name. Her smile and joy inspires me to see the positive side of life. It makes me want to reach out and help seniors and their families make better choices today so they can have more secure long-term care plans tomorrow.
by Diane Masson | Dec 21, 2014
My Mom’s Christmas Throw Blanket
When I brought my mom a Christmas gift from my brother and sister-in-law, she had no recognition on her face as she read the tag. My mom’s vascular dementia is stopping her from connecting her son’s written name with his face. That part of her brain is gone. So what do you do?
Does your mom or dad have dementia? Are they still at home or residing in an assisted living, memory care or skilled nursing community? My mom has had dementia for 12 years and has lived in skilled nursing care for 19 months. She cannot remember anything and only speaks clearly about 30 to 50 percent of the time.
My recommendation is to give a photo of yourself with your gift. Attach your photo directly to the gift. Your parent has a better chance of recognizing you in the photo than knowing who you are by reading a gift tag.
Here are 10 dementia gift ideas:
- A soft lap blanket – I gave my mom a small Christmas blanket and it was a homerun. Every time she sees it, she touches it and comments on the softness. My intention was giving a functional gift (keeping her warm) and an easy way for her to recognize the holiday season. It has really worked, because last night she talked about Christmas on her own.
- A manicure or hand massage – Hopefully this can be performed by you? It is a way to connect physically, so they can feel your presence and love. My mom loves having her nails done.
- A sweater – A nice red sweater or sweatshirt is always a hit. They like to feel the texture of different clothes. It keeps them warm. Their caregiver will dress them in the sweater and then keep reminding them that it is Christmas time. The red color seems to help the mood of the caregiver, which is always a bonus.
- Soft socks – If your mom or dad has swollen ankles, normal socks can feel binding. I get those soft stretchy socks you find in airports. They used to be easy for her to put on herself. Now she needs a caregiver to dress her.
- A holiday balloon – My mom used to read the paper daily to know the day and the year. Now, I put up seasonal balloons in her room, so she can know it is her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
- A small fake tree with ornaments – If your parent still lives at home, maybe you can decorate for them? If they live in assisted living, memory care or skilled nursing care a tree always feels like home. Many communities cannot legally allow a real tree because of licensing, so be sure to ask.
- A ham – If your parent still lives at home, this is an awesome gift. They can heat the ham or eat it cold. They can make numerous meals out of it including sandwiches or with scrambled eggs. Yum!
- Bring lunch to them or go out to eat – Everyone gets sick of their own cooking or the community’s cooking. Something different and special is always a hit. The best part is spending time dining with you.
- An animated animal – If your parent still lives at home with a pet, then bring a gift for Fido or Fluffy. But if your parent lives in an assisted living, skilled nursing or memory care community a fake moving pet is outstanding. My mom has several fake cats and they completely enamor her, make her smile and laugh out loud. Pets are wonderful.
- The very best gift you can give is an hour of your time. Nothing is more important than spending a little quality time together.
Gift giving needs to be adjusted to the level of care and to the severity of your parent’s dementia. Good luck and share your other gift tips in the comment section.
Diane Masson’s new guide book for seniors, “Your Senior Housing Options,” will be will be coming soon to Amazon.com. If you sign up for my weekly newsletter on the right side of this blog, you will be notified when my new book becomes available. Check out my new website: Tips2Seniors.com or please follow me on Facebook.
“Your Senior Housing Options,” is dedicated to my mother, whose stories are peppered throughout. Being her advocate for over ten years has taught me to be a better person. My mom has dementia, but I am truly blessed that she still calls me by name. Her smile and joy inspires me to see the positive side of life. It makes me want to reach out and help seniors and their families make better choices today so they can have more secure long-term care plans tomorrow.
by Diane Masson | Nov 2, 2014
Am I a bad daughter? Yesterday, I learned the shocking truth that my mom has five missing teeth. My mom has lived in a higher level of care for over eight years. Seven years in assisted living in Seattle and the last 17 months in skilled nursing care in California.
My mother has had vascular dementia for over 10 years and I have been attending doctor appointments with her for years. Why did I never consider oral health and attending a dentist appointment?
It was pure luck that I visited my mom this week when the mobile dentist was there. Dr. Mark Mroch was awesome. He had a funny and engaging personality. My mom was completely enamored with him. They were joking back and I forth and I was cracking up.
According to dental records the five teeth were missing when my mom arrived in California. Now that I have processed this situation, I have some unanswered dental questions:
- Why did no one tell the POA (Power of Attorney) of a dementia patient that her mom had five teeth missing when it was first discovered?
- Has my mom with her dementia been responsible for her own dental hygiene for all these years?
- Do assisted living and skilled nursing communities brush and floss teeth?
- How often?
- If the senior tells the caregiver that flossing hurts, do they just discontinue flossing and not tell the family?
- Is a dentist required to request flossing in order for it to happen?
Can you please share what the oral hygiene policy is at your assisted living, skilled nursing or memory care community? I know the goal is to have the residents be as independent as possible and brush his or her own teeth. What if they are not doing a good job? When does staff step in to help? Do staff actually watch them brush their teeth or is this one of those back burner items that can get overlooked?
My mom lived in a social model of assisted living. She was borderline skilled nursing for a year or so before we moved her. Is the dental program for dementia different in a social vs. medical model of assisted living?
Please help me figure this out and maybe we can help some POA’s out there who never thought about oral hygiene before. It’s vital that we advocate for our loved one.
Thanks, Diane
Diane Twohy Masson writes this weekly blog to support and engage with other senior housing professionals. Her first book is Senior Housing Marketing – How To Increase Your Occupancy and Stay Full. Many sales teams and organizations have used the 12 keys contained in this book for their weekly book review.
Diane Masson has recently created a New Guide for the Silver Tsunami. Her second book offers a pro-active approach for a senior to navigate his or her way through the senior housing market. “Selecting Senior Housing Options for Seniors IN the Silver Tsunami” is coming soon to Amazon.com. www.tips2seniors.com
© Marketing 2 Seniors| Diane Twohy Masson 2014 All Rights Reserved. No part of this blog post may be reproduced, copied, modified or adapted, without the prior written consent of the author, unless otherwise indicated for stand-alone materials. You may share this website and or it’s content by any of the following means: 1. Using any of the share icons at the bottom of each page. 2. Providing a back-link or the URL of the content you wish to disseminate. 3. You may quote extracts from the website with attribution to Diane Masson CASP and link https://www.marketing2seniors.net For any other mode of sharing, please contact the author Diane Masson.
by Diane Masson | Oct 26, 2014
92 Years Young!
Her Birthday Balloon and Sign
My mom is going to be 92 years young on Tuesday and she has had vascular dementia for around 11 years. She can’t remember what she had for breakfast, but she still knows my name. Last week when my husband and I went to see her at the Freedom Village Health Care Center she said, “What a surprise, I am happy to see you!” I was so astonished with her welcome. Usually it can take several minutes for her brain to adjust that we are there. We celebrated her birthday month that evening with a snack, gift and watching a movie together. She was 70% cognitively with us and shared some childhood memories.
This week, I was not so lucky. I arrived in the morning with a balloon and a gift from my brother. When I saw her, she was in an anxious mood. I braced myself for an unknown emotional roller coaster. The balloon scared her at first, which shocked me. Then she wanted to read it and soon she was laughing. She told me that it was not a good day, that she could not remember anything and it was all so confusing. I told her that I understood and that it would be okay. She calmed down and then asked what was in the package. I told her it was her birthday gift from my brother Paul. “Is it my birthday?” she asked. I laughed and showed her the sign that I had attached to the balloon. It said, Margie’s birthday is October 28th, she will be 92 years young.
I set the balloon next to her and everyone who walked by wished her a happy birthday. It was awesome. My first thought was that every care ambassador and nurse would read the sign and wish her a happy birthday 24-7 for a few days. My second thought was that my mom could read the sign and know that it was her birthday week. I helped her open the gift of a new sweater. She loved the texture, because it was so soft. The card enamored her most and she kept looking at it and opening and closing it. With all the pictures on it, I realized that it was so busy that she could not focus on what my brother and sister-in-law had written inside. So I read it to her several times. She loved it.
When I saw her on my next visit, she was agitated with red spots on her checks. She was relieved to see my familiar face. After several minutes of my speaking soothing comments, she came back to me mentally. Then she asked if I had any food. I always bring food, because food can have a calming effect on her. I produced a banana from my purse and her eyes lit up. “For me?” she said. I laughed and said, “Yes!” I opened it and she said that she wanted to hold it. Sometimes she wants me to hold it and she breaks off part of the banana. I have learned to go with flow and to accept the not good days or moments that adjoin laughter and happier days.
Happy birthday month Mother!
Diane’s number one tip for those who have a loved one with dementia is to expect the unexpected. You may want to celebrate their birthday on the actual day, but that may not be a good day for your loved one with dementia. Be flexible and have a willingness to celebrate their special day on another day or just have a birthday month celebration for them and you are sure to hit one good day. Stay calm and be soothing to your loved one. Don’t ask someone with dementia a lot of questions, they can’t process them. Just let them talk to you about what is on their mind. They might want to talk about their childhood or the depression. Adapt to them and go with the flow.
Diane Masson’s new guide book for seniors, “Selecting Senior Housing for Seniors in the Silver Tsunami,” will be will be coming soon to Amazon.com. If you sign up for my weekly newsletter on the right side of this blog, you will be notified when my new book becomes available. Check out my new website: Tips2Seniors.com or please follow me on Facebook.
